Let’s put this all together

Attachment Trauma, CPTSD, Dissociation, and How Healing Actually Works

Hi everybody! It’s Mary, the OG Woowoo Therapist.

And as usual Everything I talk about today is not intended to take the place of counseling or therapy but to highlight some of the issues that could or need to be addressed with a licensed counselor or therapist. And for some, it will be information to increase understanding of therapeutic issues and processes. None of the information that I am going to talk about should be used to self-diagnose or diagnose others with mental health disorders issues related to the topics discussed today. Only a licensed practitioner can and should do that.

Previously I discussed the diagnosis of CPTSD and talked about the difficulty with self-organization that is the signature symptom. I talked about dissociation as a common symptom as well. I have also described the types of dissociation and talked about them on a continuum and talked about internal family systems which is not a dissociative response. Today I want to connect what I have talked about so far and give some examples of what it could look like when I have a client that has CPTSD.

WHAT TRAUMA REALLY IS, is not what most people think.

Most people think trauma is the storm that happens or the abuse.

But trauma is what happens inside the house during the storm.

For example:
Someone grows up in a home where nothing “terrible” happened—but emotions were ignored, minimized, or unpredictable resulting in emotional abuse.
As an adult, they’re capable and responsible.
But they feel tense all the time.
They overthink interactions.
They don’t know how to rest and cannot relax.

 They are constantly on guard.

They often say,
“I don’t know why I feel like this. My childhood wasn’t that bad.” And other than being neglected it wasn’t that bad when compared to what most people think about when they think of child abuse.

What I want to name here is that the nervous system doesn’t organize around whether something was “bad enough.”

It organizes around whether there was enough safety, attunement, which is the ability to deeply connect and resonate with another person's emotional state, by becoming aware of and responsive to their feelings, energy, and needs, that creates a sense of being seen and understood, and then repair,  where repair is less about fixing the problem but more about getting back on track or bringing the nervous system back online.

This speaks to when people minimize their own pain, that’s often another adaptation—not evidence that nothing happened.

Let’s revisit PARTS and talk about them as a CAST OF CHARACTERS and this is relevant to IFS and dissociation.

Think of the mind like a cast of characters.

For example:
A person feels grounded most of the time.
But during conflict, they suddenly feel small, panicked, or desperate.
Later they think,
“Why did I react like that? That didn’t feel like me.”

When clients say this, I’m listening for state shifts or parts presenting.
That moment wasn’t irrational—it was contextual.
A younger part stepped forward because the nervous system recognized a familiar relational threat.
This isn’t regression. It’s memory without words. This can be indicative of wounding from trauma at very young ages before acquisition of language.

When we think about EGO STATE DISSOCIATION

We that different parts can and do hold different emotional realities.

For example:
Someone is competent and confident at work.
But mild criticism sends them into shame or freeze.
They know logically it’s not catastrophic—but their body disagrees based on previous lived experience.

This is a classic sign that different parts learned different rules for survival.
One part learned, “I can handle this.”
Where another learned, “Mistakes are dangerous.”
Therapy isn’t about convincing the scared part—it’s about building enough safety that it no longer has to take over to create safety.

Now, I would like you to think about DISSOCIATION AS A CIRCUIT BREAKER for the nervous system.

Dissociation is the system’s circuit breaker.

For example:
Someone realizes they’ve missed part of a conversation.
Or they drive somewhere and don’t remember the trip.
Or instead of crying, they go numb.

One person says,
“It’s like my body leaves the room before I do.”

This is the nervous system protecting against overload in the nervous system.
People often worry this means they’re broken or not present enough.
But dissociation is usually always developed because presence in the situation wasn’t safe at some point.
The goal isn’t to eliminate it—it’s to reduce the need for it.

Let’s look at STRUCTURAL DISSOCIATION like ROOMS IN A HOUSE

Some rooms were closed and stay closed for a reason.

For example:
Someone says,
“I’m over my childhood.”
But when they slow down, they feel anxious or empty.
They stay busy to avoid that feeling.

Often they have protective gaps in their memories and cannot recall important events in their life or life transitions.

Frequently I have clients tell me that they can’t remember anything before the age of puberty or after the age of 5 up to and including high school.

This is what it looks like when functioning parts are doing their job very well.
Avoidance here isn’t denial—it’s protection.
Therapy respects that protection and eases the doors open instead of forcing doors open.

Now let’s talk about ATTACHMENT TRAUMA. I have only mentioned this is passing previously but let’s think of it as being the nervous system’s GPS

Attachment is what programs the GPS or works as the GPS operating system.

For example:
Someone wants intimacy deeply.
But when a relationship gets close, they feel trapped or numb and sometimes anticipate being hurt again.
They pull away—then feel lonely and abandoned.

They say,
“I don’t understand myself.”

This isn’t ambivalence—it’s competing survival strategies.
One part learned that closeness equals safety.
Another learned that closeness equals danger.
Both are trying to help.

We can also look at ATTACHMENT STYLES AS WEATHER STRATEGIES

We brace differently depending on the climate we grew up in. I grew up in Southern California where we had frequent earthquakes and it was old hat to me but when I moved to Texas and an earthquake happened there the reaction of the folks around me was one of alarm. By the same comparison, when I moved to Texas, I was now living at the bottom of tornado alley. Tornados panicked me but others around me were calm and focused on safety. There wasn’t one tornado in Southern California the 40 years I lived there so my nervous system was not used to the kind of imminent, unstopable danger a tornado presents but was used to rolling with the earthquakes.

And another example could be where
One person monitors relationships constantly.
Another avoids needing anyone.
Another moves toward closeness and away from it in the same conversation.

These patterns aren’t personality traits.
They’re nervous system predictions.
And predictions can be updated—but only through new experiences of safety.

And finally we can look at CPTSD like THE ALARM SYSTEM of the nervous system.

CPTSD keeps the alarm running constantly. It is like the robot in Lost in Space continuously saying “Warning Will Robinson” 24/7.

For example:
Someone says,
“I feel like I’m too much—and also never enough.”
They experience emotional swings, shame, and unstable relationships. They are constantly on the look out for signs of approval from others but when they get them they don’t believe them.

This is what happens when the system never got to stand down.
The reactions make sense when we understand the history—even if they feel confusing now. This is why it is important to understand cognitive development and child development because the stage of development determines the type of incorporation of outcomes into the nervous system and cognitive awareness. Most of the reactions come out of the subconscious rather than an executive function of the brain in decision making.

Because of all of that THERAPY CAN FEEL HARD

And it is Because Therapy activates attachment and can trigger dissociative episodes.

For example:
A client feels close to their therapist—then panics, shuts down or “goes away”.
They worry they’re too needy or want to quit after a good session. I have this frequently with my clients and this is a factor in attrition from therapy.

This is not resistance.
This is the attachment system coming online.
The work here isn’t pushing through—it’s noticing, naming, and repairing or getting back on track or online if you will like when you lose internet connection for a minute. Only the opposite is true, there is more connection and that is scary to feel when it has never been experienced in any real way before.

Going SLOW IS only way to work with these things and slow is SKILLED therapeutic care

Healing is not about intensity. It is about consistency with the work in therapy. Present day orienting for the parts is imperative to help the parts feel safe in the here and now and begin to realize that they are no longer in the there and then.

For example:
Someone says,
“I spent my life bracing for impact. Therapy taught me how to unclench.”

That unclenching is the nervous system learning something new.
It’s subtle, cumulative, and deeply meaningful.

This makes THE THERAPEUTIC RELATIONSHIP the most important thing in the process of recovery from dissociation and attachment issues.

Healing shows up quietly. I spend a good deal of time planting seeds for the next stage of recovery and allow the process to progress at its own pace. I work with clients to help them become permissive with themselves and understand that everything they think and feel is okay even if it doesn't feel good. There are no bad feelings but feelings that are connected to bad things that happened can feel like they are bad.

For example:
clients notice they recover faster after a trauma reaction or response is activated
They tolerate disagreement better and can begin to hold two seemingly conflicting emotions at the same time.
They feel disappointed—but not destroyed.

These are markers of integration and recovery.
Not because the parts or past disappeared—but because the present feels safer for all of the parts.

In CLOSING

If you heard yourself in these stories, I want you to hear this clearly:

You are not broken.

Your nervous system adapted intelligently to earlier conditions.

Healing isn’t about erasing parts of you.

It’s about helping them realize they’re safer and in the here and now—and don’t have to work so hard anymore.

Please reach out to a licensed therapist and begin the process of recovering yourself from the past. I have a sign on the wall in my office that says “Never be a prisoner of your past. It was just a lesson, not a life sentence.”